130. Exercise – play tennis

Tock (grunt). Tock (squeal). Tock (grunt). Thwack (squawk). 30 all. Land of 130 mile an hour serves, rallies of at least two shots, broken serves and broken hearts. Tennis. Don’t you love it?

Of course, come June or July, everyone is playing, watching or totally ignoring tennis, depending upon their inclination. Reputations are made or smashed on the courts and the advent of a new player with fire in their belly is a major crowd-puller, particularly if they are a) from your own country, b) beating the seeds or c) great looking.

You too can join in this festival of faults, forehands and “First service”, by getting down to your local leisure centre (it’ll be crammed during tennis season) or to a tennis club (ah – you have to pay more). Don your tennis gear, reveal your hi-tech, professional grade racket, unpack a box of new balls and the court is yours. Now the hard bit begins. How do you ensure that the ball so deftly served by your opponent will catch your racket (it sure as hell isn’t going to get there because of your skill). You have a number of options: stand at the net and lunge for the ball in a vain hope you know which way it is going (making sure you smash it downwards and away from your opponent); stand at the back of the court, hunched over in aggressive pose, bouncing on the balls of your feet (ever so tiring, this); or simply saunter around the court, gazing nonchalantly at the onlookers and, without looking, stick the racket out when you hear the sound of the ball striking the racket. If you miss, your nonchalance will be admired. If you hit, well, you will appear to be a god of tennis.

Serve and volley, smash and slice, chop and dice (oops – sorry, that’s cookery) and enjoy the summer sunshine.

What do I need?

• Tennis racket (racquet)
• Tennis balls
• An opponent (young child preferably, until they gain sufficient skill to beat you)

Where do I find it?

• Tennis shop or, for cheaper bargains at eBay
• Child – there’ll be one at the club, desperate for a game (usually because they’re good at it – beware)

Cost?

• Moderate